Gotta get down on Friday, amiright?

In a lighter departure from my last post (regarding the rapacious cash-grab that is digital distribution), I thought I'd post a few tasty jams. After all, everybody's looking forward to the weekend, weekend.

Bag Raiders - Turbo Love (Original Mix) [YouTube link - download link soon]

Wolfgang Gartner - Undertaker (Krafty Kuts Re-dub)

Fucked

I know net neutrality is old news, but it infuriates me more and more. In the last few years, technology has leapt farther than I would have imagined. Merely 6 years ago, the Wii was just a twinkle in Reggie Fils-Amie's evil cyborg eye. PS3 wasn't even close to release. In these inhuman, nigh ancient times, playing DivX movies on the big screen required ingenuity and a smattering of elbow grease - to the point where actually paying for this sort of content on a VOD service was reasonable, I mean, unless you wanted to watch The Departed on my 15" Dell laptop. Nowadays, if you know where to look, absolutely everything is free and open. But tons of people are still paying out the ass for content that should be absolutely free - or at least streaming unlimited-ly, Netflix style. But a ridiculous amount of effort has been made on the part of Apple, Time Warner, and Comcast to monetize what should be free.

The fight over net neutrality is the latest turd nugget to be added to this gigantic crock of shit. If you're not familiar with net neutrality, it basically states that an ISP can't decide which sites / services have speedy transfers. Basically, Time Warner could extort a website into paying some kind of fee that guarantees that its transfer speeds won't be artificially diminished. The implications of a lack of net neutrality are obviously nauseating, more so when you note that the Republicans, champions of big business, are fighting tooth and nail to overturn the FCC's recent rulings that the net should be neutral. Not to mention that in North Carolina, a ruling was recently made that it was unfair to giant conglomerates for smaller cable companies to charge less for better service. Not to mention Fox demanding that TWC pull channels from its new streaming iPad app. Not to even mention that even though I pay Hulu $7 a month for the fucking privilege, I can't watch Archer or Community on my PS3. And I thought I was entitled to watch all the programs I pay to see. How naive of me.

These issues are a daily, relentless mindfuck for me. Why am I, the end-user, the ultimate bad guy for only wanting to pay once for for my music, movies, and TV? This kind of bullshit is so tragically far from uncommon, that I can't say it shocks me any more. The total transparency and remorselessness of it all- that's the real fucking shocker. At least when I was a kid they pretended to be looking out for me.

Nobody Cares about Your Junior Year Abroad

If you went abroad, you're probably thinking, hey guy, nobody cares about your stupid fucking blog either. Well, fuck you.

There are really two possible scenarios in which somebody is talking about their year abroad: they are either talking to someone who didn't go abroad, or are talking to someone who did go abroad. Right?

If the former: The person you're talking to doesn't care, isn't absorbing the information, and most likely now thinks you're a douchetard. Nobody (probably not even your parents) wants to hear about how you can't stand the chinese food in New York City because nobody serves this one dish you used to eat, like, all the time when you were backpacking through the Cantonese countryside.

If the latter: The person you're talking to may be smiling and nodding, with an occasional "oh wow, that sounds amazing!", but he / she is really just thinking about their own time abroad, and is simply waiting for you to shut your mouth so they can launch into their counterpoint about how the clubs in Italy are like totally amazing and make it, like, not even fun to go out in America anymore.

Keep it to yourself, you cosmopolitan asshole.

I was thinking about buying an iPad because I love to read all the time, but then again that seems like an awfully expensive thing to leave next to the toilet.

While you think about that, here are two sweet summer jams.

Yuksek & Chromeo - So Down

Whitenoize & Discotech - Burnin'

Jonga jonga to you all. After a harrowing stint in a peruvian prison, the writing staff is back: the jams are back, the comedy are back, the hammy whamjammers are back, a whole malignant tuba are back on you, coming full force with relentless, spine crushing grooves and memorable hooks.

Upon our safe return, we were embroiled with one thinking: never again. Never again the screams, screeching of steel on steel, bitter cold Andean wind whistling through cruel steel bars. Never again shall our readers be left to fend for themselves, listening to crappy music, because it sounds exactly like all of those things.

Kidda - Under the Sun (Herve Remix)

More On Comedies

i think that the answer to why the apatowian raunch comedy genre has been so lame recently is that the writers, producers, and directors have gotten famous/successful enough to wave off their editors, and they are making things that are way too long. here is a list of pretty funny movies from the last few years and their respective runtimes:

old school - 91 min

anchorman - 94 min

role models - 99 min

hot tub time machine - 99 min

get him to the greek - 109 min

pineapple express - 111 min

forgetting sarah marshall - 111 min

superbad - 113 min

knocked up - 129 min

funny people - 146 min

now, take another look at that list. if you had to rank those movies from "funniest" to "least funny" wouldn't the order be almost exactly the same? i mean, maybe you drop get him to the greek a couple slots (haven't seen it yet) and bump anchorman over old school, but other than that, isnt it about the same?

shakespeare once said "brevity is the soul of wit." apparently, hollywood has forgotten this, as they continue to release these bloated comedies with their even more bloated "unrated editions" that just have more of the jokes that aren't funny and were cut for a reason.

by contrast, i've been very impressed with the quality of comedy writing on television. from network shows like glee, modern family, and how i met your mother, to cable shows like always sunny or south park, to premium shows like eastbound and down or party down, the writing is pithy, funny, and tight. i think that by having to adhere to a 22 or 28 minute timeframe, the writers have a much better understanding that they need to be funny quickly.

this has been an extremely long post for one that is all about how things need to be short (on a comedy website, no less!) so i'll cut it off now, but here's a little reward for your reading efforts:

Milkman - Lactose and THC (whole album)

On Comedies

Now that Hot Tub Time Machine is out on DVD, I've been thinking about how much better it is than the huge comedies that get all the attention these days. When I saw Get Him to the Greek, it was like seeing The Hangover all over again, and I don't mean that in a good way. The Hangover was fucking terrible, and utterly lacking in that crucial feature of comedy movies- COMEDY. The trailer for 'Greek' even claims that it is the funniest movie since The Hangover, which I find hilarious (more hilarious than the entirety of the Hangover).

When I saw the Hangover in theaters, I was immediately struck by the fact that the first ten or so minutes went by without a good laugh. It's a fucking comedy! Where are the jokes? Yes, the situations the characters find themselves in are funny, but the writing was completely dead.

And Get Him to the Greek? What the fuck is with all the moralizing bullshit? Who gives a shit if Aldous Snow is addicted to heroin? It's supposed to be a goddamn comedy. Apatow's movies have always walked a fine line between raunchy comedy and heart. Movies such as the 40 Year Old Virgin and Knocked Up walked that line very carefully, but as his "brand" gained clout he seemed to give less and less of a shit. Superbad and Funny People were both about 45 minutes to an hour too long. When you toy around too much with "heart", your movies are in danger of being self-indulgent pieces of shit. As a counterexample- Role Models fucking nailed it (except for the painful last 30 seconds).

Anyways this post is too long already, so I'm not even going to discuss how fucking great Hot Tub Time Machine is. But what has me worried is the fact that everyone and their cat seems to love the fucking Hangover. Apparently everyone has a terrible sense of humor- but if everyone thinks an unfunny movie is funny, does that just make it... funny?

I hope not. Support the cause. Watch Hot Tub Time Machine.

In everyday life, we, sadly, rarely can alter time and space with a hot tub. Life is, instead, a bitch. Listen to this mashup I made of Nas' 'Life's a Bitch'.

good day to you sir

to whom it may concern:

as the malignant tuba has grown and is now pushing against the snarebellum, the level of retardation at this blog has reached an all time high. like bubble kush kinds of high. as such, i was brought in to instill an element of class, urbanity, and a knowledge of fine wine. i watch "frasier," listen to classical music, and put the comma in the right place when i use quotation marks. i refrain from base language, preferring to use proper terms like "feces" (instead of poop -- aw shit, i said poop. shit. no more swears, promise) and "cunt" (instead of vagina). i come from a house of learned doctors.

but enough about me. how are you? you're probably just getting home from work, pouring yourself a big glass of listerine, and getting ready to beat your wife, or worse, your dog. you sicken me. domestic violence is frowned upon here at the tuba, unless you mean violence against an actual domicile, which is encouraged. usually, the wall/door had it coming.

anyhow, i think i've said enough for someone with nothing to say, and if you've gotten this far, sorry, you're not getting that time back. i have been informed however, that it is customary to leave a musical treat at the end of each post, so i'm sure if you share my distinguished taste, you'll enjoy this:

Wolfgang Gartner - Wolfgang's 5th Symphony (if you can't find it on your own, please leave the internet immediately)

hands down the dopest dope i've ever smoked

Breakbot - Baby I'm Yours (U-Tern Remix)

I'm not even gonna say nothing

I heard this ill cover of Daft Punk's "Something about Us" by Def Starr, so I decided to lay some Jigga over it. Check it- "Something about All I Need"

am i supposed to conduct with my penis?

i will edit this and post thoughts when my thoughtbox starts working again.

in the meantime, enjoy this pleasant summertime jam:

Chromeo / Cheri - Murphy's Law

A Sackful of Dollars

Here's another comic that makes light of sexual violence. Remember people: we here at the tuba do not in any way condone punching people in the sack. HAHAH, oh wait that's hilarious. I meant punching people while you are in the sack, aka bed, aka during sextual funtercourse. Punching people in the sack, aka the testicles is still comedic GOLD, no one is here to deny that.

As I was saying, don't incorporate violence into your lovemaking, but if you must, be sure to use a safe word. A safe word, used in BDSM circles, is a short, memorable word that will immediately cause all sex play to halt when uttered by either partner. For example, my safe word is the song "The 12 Days of Christmas" sung in Swahili.

In conclusion, the word sack has many pleasant uses in todays vernacular. Humorous in any context, the word rolls off the tongue and rests delightfully on the forehead of the listener. Help make this Friday International Sack Day! Instead of getting fired, get sacked! Instead of going to sleep, hit the sack! Instead of buying a dime bag, buy a dime sack! Instead of going about your normal business, run around all day with your scrotum hanging out for all the world to see! Think on it.

All the cash and all the cash and all the cash and all the

So if you're reading this, you're probably familiar with Glitch Mob's remix of Evil Nine's "All the Cash". If not, whatever. This is Alex Metric's take on the track, and if you've ever heard him before you know you need to crank up the speakers for this one.

No, I meant in __YOUR__ face!

This comic is for fucking idiots. If you laughed at it, go turn yourself in to your local police station. and don't misinterpret that as my saying you should attempt to somehow become your local police station, because you are so very stupid. I just wasted like 3 whammed out hours of my personal time making a stupid comic for jerks, and it feels downright awful. Knowing what I know now, I would rather start Derek Zoolander's school for ants... who want to learn how to sting good.... in my ass.... than write that comic again, if so it can be called.

On another note, that comic was sweet. Other things that are sweet include this cool song we done found on the interfarts: Acid Girls feat Frankmusic - Wake Up

SAN DIMAS HIGH SCHOOL FOOTBALL RULES!!!

Pretty Lights

So Pretty Lights buuurned the fucking place down last night. It was an awesome set peppered with brand new shit that was really, really fast and very different from anything we've heard from him before. He also remixed a bunch of his tracks, including a sweet extra-electro-y version of "My Other Love". The average age in the crowd was probably 18, which was a little weird, but on the other hand, if that's the music the kids are listening to these days then god bless 'em.

My peoples were not able to get it together in time to catch Chiddy Bang (read: were busy getting fucked up), which was a shame. We saw about half of RJD2, which was awful. I did not realize until after the concert that the DJ playing when we came in was in fact RJ- I assumed he was the filler between RJ and Pretty Lights. He must have been playing stuff from his new album, which frankly I never really gave much of a listen to. RJ was also really boring when he came to Emory U a couple years ago, although I've heard about shows elsewhere that people really enjoyed.

So yeah, I can't stop thinking about how ill PL was. The set was incredible, and I've never seen him get the BPMs and energy so high. The light show was amazing. The final track he played was a special NYC mashup of "Empire State of Mind" with BIG's "Juicy" with a really funky cadence, and a little Big L thrown in for good measure. Fucking awesome.

In honor of the show, here's a mashup I made a while back of Pretty Lights with BIG and Jurassic 5, called "Rollin". Enjoy!

I will eat this hamburger... with great relish.

In 18 hours I will be at Chiddy Bang / RJD2 / Pretty Lights @ Terminal 5 in NYC, so here's a sweet jam from the least awesome of those three: Chiddy Bang / Tinie Tempah - Pass Out (Remix)

Mustache Friday

what if the opposite of amateur was mature? that would have interesting consequences for pornography.

speaking of which, this is some good mustache listening. (Treasure Fingers - What am I Supposed to Do)

What do dogs talk about?

Goes down smooth with a tall glass of Mark Ronson feat. ODB - Toxic

SNATCH THE ADVENTURE!

Deadliest Crotch... A hardened team of deep-V divers go searching for rare Alaskan crabs in Courtney Cox's vag-kelp.

Speaking of fishing, reel in this sweet Danger Mouse collabo, DM & and Jemini's Ghetto Pop Life